By Brett Yates
“I mean, had Andrew Jackson been a little later, you wouldn’t have had the Civil War. He was a very tough person, but he had a big heart. He was really angry that he saw what was happening with regard to the Civil War. He said, ‘There’s no reason for this.’ People don’t realize, you know, the Civil War—if you think about it, why? People don’t ask that question, but why was there a Civil War? Why could that one not have been worked out?”said President Donald Trump, May, 1, 2017.
1. World War I: Imagine if, instead of Franz Ferdinand, Andrew Jackson had been the Archduke of Austria. Do you think he would’ve let some pathetic Serbian nationalist assassinate him? Not gonna happen, my friends.
2. The Mongol conquests: The thing about Andrew Jackson is that he knew how to stand up to the Chinese. Some of his successors—they signed these awful trade deals, basically shipping off our whole economy to Asia. It was awful. Jackson wasn’t afraid to put America’s interests ahead of Genghis Khan’s.
3. The Irish Potato Famine: Very early on, Andrew Jackson understood the importance of food. A lot of people don’t realize, but humans need food to survive. That was Ireland’s mistake.
4. The Hindenburg disaster: Trust me, folks—no one could fly a dirigible like Andrew Jackson.
5. Janet Jackson’s wardrobe malfunction at Super Bowl XXXVIII: Super Bowl halftime shows were a lot classier in Andrew Jackson’s time. Artists like Toby Keith, 3 Doors Down, the Radio City Rockettes, Jackie Evancho—these were the fabulous types of musicians who performed under Jackson. Only the best.
6. The Best Picture mix-up at the 89th Academy Awards: “La La Land” should’ve just kept the award. Who cares if “Moonlight” won the popular vote?